Mickeynews 46th Edition Page 1
November
23rd,
2001 Mr. Manners Guide to Wrestling Etiquette and Protocol Over the decades we at Mickeynews have been particularly harsh on the new breed wrestling fans. In fact as far as I'm concerned just about anyone who became a fan in 1998 should take the first binary load lifter out of town. In the abscence of a loser leaves town challenge I have comissioned myself as wrestling's answer to Miss Manners. While I share no relation with the real Miss Manners I did enjoy her appearance on Pee-Wee's Playhouse. Join me, won't you, as I inform the masses on the do's and don'ts of wrestling fan etiquette. 1. Do not shout out nonsensical phrases without the courtesy of explaining yourself. You know if you're going to shout Bobby Heenan at somebody like the Barbarian at least have the decency to briefly explain your theory that the former manager/wrestler duo loved each other or something. 2. Do not point during matches. It may be tempting to point into the crowd or towards the curtain during a Greg Valentine, Buff Bagwell match. Everyone is sure to look in that direction, but what about the wrestlers whose livelyhood depend on getting over with the fans. 3. Do not steal or vandalize the arena. Sure Municipal Auditorium is adorned with swastikas but that is no excuse for swiping the wooden doorstops and making the security at the gate look foolish. 4. Stop chanting ECW! ECW! ECW! They are not in buisness anymore. RVD, Tom Dreamer, Rhino, and the Dudley Brothers do not work there anymore. It doesn't exist (thank the maker.) 5. Don't bring up wrestlers pasts. Harley Race's manslaughter charges and Scott Hall's binge drinking are strictly off-limits. It's okay to chant Robbie V or Terra Ryzing. 6. Foreign objects are strictly prohibited. You shouldn't bring gay cowboy hats, canes with a horn on them, laser pins, explicit signs, or other such nonsense to a wrestling show. How would you like it Kevin Nash showed up at your workplace taunting you with a plastic bib? 7. Unattended children will be eaten. Vince McMahon makes no bones about his cannibalistic tendencies. So if your at a house show or tv taping hang on to little Tommy Jenson, and for Pete's sake don't buy your kids a foam middle finger. 8. Laughing at other fan's misfortune is just wrong. When the old guy walking in front of your row tripped and spilled his cokes it was darn funny. You shouldn't laugh though. 9. Do not talk about wrestling if you don't know anything. I'm sick of standing in line to get in and hear people chatting about the Undertaker's debut at Survivor Series 87, or how the Renegade was really the Ultimate Warrior off of steroids. If you can follow these simple rules, we can all enjoy a night of thrills and chills at the next wrestling event in your town. If you don't you will be shunned by your friends and family, and live a life of dispondency. Eventually you will be hunted down and killed by a wrestling legend like by Bob Geigle. Believe me a death mark is not an easy thing to live with. Lance Manners Hammering out a Compromise When Greg the Hammer Valentine failed to show for his farewell match at WWF No Mercy it raised alot of eyebrows. The fifty something Valentine (real name J.J. Kincaid) was scheduled to close out a long and illustrious career with a return match against his dreaded foe Tony Atlas (real name Saba Simba, or is it the other way around?) At around 7 P.M. central standard time the extravaganza had begun, and still no sign of Kincaid or Valentine. It became clear to Vince McMahon that Valentine would not be participating, so Atlas was sent home with a swift kick to the backside. In a stunning development Valentine had signed a contract with the fledgling XWF and would not be going through with retirement plans. Hulk Hogan's startup league scored a minor coup when they lured the elderly toe-head away from his high profile Hammertime 2001 retirement tour. After losing retirement matches in every backwater burg, indie fed, and backyard in the country Kincaid prepared to sign off for good in the WWF at the October pay-per-view. Those plans went awry when Kincaid was contacted by longtime manager and number one guy Jimmy Hart about wrestling in the Orlando based promotion. Joining the likes of Hart, Brutus Beefcake, the Nasty Boys, and the ghost of Dino Bravo, the Hammer hopes this version of the senior tour takes off. "It's a small world after all," Kincaid needlessly points out during a stroll through Disneyworld with several disinterested reporters. Mickeynews has learned that WWF chairman and devil's advocate Vince McMahon is suing the once great wrestler for breach of contract. The Hammer isn't worried though, "Kid, I've flown from one side of this world to the other. I've seen alot of strange stuff, but I've never seen anything to make me believe there's one all powerful man controlling everything. There's no mystical energy field that controls my destiny." Brandon X Flair for the Dramatics The Nature Boy Ric Flair made his triumphant return to the WWF on Monday, November 19st. This in itself is not surprising as the WWF is the only game in town after the Survivor Series. What is a surprise is that Slic Ric was revealled as the man who bought Shane McMahon's stock resulting in Natche's half ownership of the company. The original boy toy announced the good news to his partner, and he and a stunned Vince McMahon embraced in a touching moment of goodwill. Flair has alot of big plans for his company now that all the formalities are out of the way. He plans to install former Four Horsemen Steve McMichael, Barry Windham, and Paul Roma onto the WWF's board of directors. Best pal Arn Anderson will be named the new CEO, and ex-teammate Sid Vicious will be made manager of the company softball team. All these changes are controversial, and wreak of favortism. Worst of all the nepotismic hiring of David Flair as the new commisioner is really raising eyebrows. The Nature Boy is preparing to give WWF fans heavy doses of jet flying, limousine riding, kid stealin', and wheelin' dealin' shennanigans. His next move will be the rehiring of former announcer Gene Okerlund. The Nature Boy hopes to once again walk that aisle and say Mean Whooooh Bygod Buffalo New York Gene. Former majority owner Vince McMahon will have some adjusting to do, and if ever he wants to be the man, he knows what he has to do. Raymond Dance WCW 1990-2001 Unlike Bob Geigle the WCW has never been truly dead before. Sure there were times in 1992 and 1995-2001 where it might as well have been, but at least the league was still competitive and had active titles. On Sunday November 18 World Championship Wrestling was delivered the death blow when they lost a winner takes all Survivor Series match. The company has now been officially folded and all championships absorbed by the WWF. Even the WCW world title whose history dates back to the original NWA and the 1900's, is now being simply called the World Title. Names like Bob Caudle, K. Allen Frye, Cowboy Watts, Dusty Rhodes, Eric Bischoff, Vince Russo, Eric Bischoff and Vince Russo, and just Eric Bischoff have led the company (some more successful than others.) Champions like Sting, Ric Flair, Lex Luger, Vader, Ron Simmons, Hulk Hogan, and Bret Hart have all claimed the WCW World title in the past decade (some more than others.) WCW will also be remembered as the place where many future WWF stars talents were squandered before they achieved their fame. Unfortunately it will also be known for the torturous NWO angle that mercilessly dragged on for four years. Whether you loved the old WCW or hated it, the 19th annual Starcade and terrific Halloween Havoc Pay-Per-Views will be missed. Perhaps someday World Championship Wrestling will rise from it's own ashes (but hopefully the ECW will not) and continue it's mission as number 2 and proud of it. As a hardcore wrestling fan (but not a fan of hardcore wrestling) I hope one day the WCW is brought back so it can finally have one last hoorah. Ted Plemler |
